you are seen

Sometimes life requires getting down on our knees and giving it up, and that's not an easy thing to do.

Sometimes we hear God's voice say, "hey, come here," and that's even harder because we think: Why on Earth would God want me? I am broken, I am flawed, I'm not worthy. He obviously hasn't accounted for the things I've said, done, thought, etc.

If you've ever thought that listen to this.

I feel like I don't need to say much because the song says it all, but I will say that God sees you, and he LOVES you. He loves you so deeply and so unconditionally and so fiercely. He sees you as a treasure, you are hand-crafted by him--the most high God.

We see ourselves through the lens of a broken and flawed world. A world that says that you're not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. A world that says that you've messed too many times to be "good." A world that says you have too much baggage, and no chance of getting rid of it.

But God wipes that clean. God takes broken and flawed people, and reshapes them. God specializes in broken people, who live in a broken world, and he loves them. Oh, how he loves them.

You are never too far, too messy, too weighed down with baggage, too broken for God to love you. He loves you, he sees you, he WANTS you. He calls to you in your brokenness and sees something far greater for you.

#goals

hair goals
family goals
body goals
makeup goals
girlfriend goals
boyfriend goals
goals
goals
goals

How many times have you seen one of these so-called "goals" on social media? I'll be the first to admit that I've seen them, and said them, often. We all have goals. Things we want to accomplish for ourselves, or for others.

I'm not saying that it's bad to have goals. Goals are GOOD. They keep us motivated, they give us something to shoot for, and when they're achieved, they give us a sense of pride and accomplishment! Goals are not bad, but they "why" behind our goals are what gets us into trouble.

Do we have body goals so that that guy/girl will notice us? Do we have family goals so that we will feel like we measure up among our social circles? Do we have makeup goals so that those girls will finally be friends with us? Do we have goals for our significant other so that we will feel fulfilled by that relationship?

A lot of times these desires turn into unhealthy pursuits that hurt us. We starve ourselves, we get ourselves into bad relationships, we settle for things we shouldn't, we compromise who God made us to be in order to live up to a goal.

I'm not going to pretend that I've never said/thought about accomplishing some of these goals. I think about it constantly--if I want someone to notice me, like me, be friends with me I must first pull myself together and achieve these goals for myself. It's hard not to think that way when the media bombards young women and young men with pictures and descriptions of what they should strive to be like, look like, and act like.

But God--the creator of the universe, of heaven and earth, of the land we walk on, the oceans we swim in, the stars we wonder at--looks at us and sees such beauty. When God formed us, he did so with a plan in mind. He does not look at us and say, "I wish she'd put some makeup on that face I created," or "I wish he/she would do something about that body I created. They aren't doing my work justice." God sees his creation with such pride. He sees beauty and purpose and perfection in the human beings that he created. He saw us before anyone else saw us. He knew us before anyone else knew us. He loved us before anyone else loved us. To him, these "goals" only get in the way of the purpose for his divinely created and dearly loved people.

I'll end my rant with this: you, yes you, are spectacularly made. You are amazing. God sees you. God knows you. His goals for you go far beyond your hair, your face, or your body, and his love for you knows no bounds.

Amen. That is something I can get behind.

to the friends I didn't see coming

Everyone told me all about you. They hyped you up. They promised me that you'd be funny and sweet and kind and wonderful. They said I'd love you for life, and you'd love me right back. I mean they really hyped you up.

I was skeptical. I was scared. I had scars from past friendships gone wrong. I am a bit stubborn, a bit guarded, a bit (okay a lot) overbearing. I didn't all they way believe everyone who told me about you. I took their words with a grain of salt. I didn't let it sit too deeply in my heart. I tried to stay rational. Not everything works out. Friendships end. Not everyone will get you. Don't let them in too quickly. Keep your distance. Play it cool. Play it cool. Play it cool.

I was wrong. I admit it. I'll eat my words. I'll swallow my pride. I'll say "they were right."

You, my dear friends, are a gift. A very wonderful, smart, kind, funny gift. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me laugh until I cry. I am forever grateful for your understanding hearts, your ridiculous jokes, your warm hugs, your late night hang-outs.

I didn't expect how good you'd be to me. I didn't expect to love you like sisters. I didn't expect to know everything about you. I didn't expect that I'd love you fiercely and fight for you wholeheartedly and support you unendingly.

I don't remember the moment I met you. I don't remember the moment that I realized I'd want to spend the next four years being your friend. God--in His infinite wisdom and grace and mercy and goodness--simply set you before me (thank you Jesus).

So to you, sweet friends, I say thank you. I cherish our friendship. I cherish YOU.

//Don't worry about me, family. I miss you like WOAH, but I found a sweet, sweet second family to watch over me when I'm a thousand mile away from you//

//And to you, who wait and sit and wait some more for those people who "just get it," God sees you. He's got your people. They might just be living somewhere else--waiting for you too//

An update...of sorts

College is exhausting. It's challenging and exciting and new and strange and fun and tiring...but mostly it is so good.

I look back at where I was three months ago, three weeks ago, even three days ago, and I see how beautifully God works. He took a heart of defiance and anger and stubbornness and is making it a heart of trust and peace and love and mercy and joy. OF COURSE there are days when I'm overwhelmed--I get snippy and moan and anxiously pace up and down the hallway, but then I'm reminded of God's perfect peace, and I feel okay.

He keeps pouring blessing after blessing out on me.

He has gifted me with women of faith who make me laugh until tears come pouring down my face, who cry with me when I'm having a bad day, who give me words of encouragement when I'm feeling like the walls are caving in, who love, who comfort, and who take care of me. I get to love on these beautiful young women! I get to know who they are, and who God created them to be! It's such an honor and a privilege. UGH. I'll be honest, I couldn't tell you the precise moment I met them, or what our first conversation was...sometimes I feel like God just plopped them down right in front of me. He's funny that way.

He has put me in an environment where I'm challenged academically and nourished spiritually. I continually see students strive to be His hands and feet, His messengers, His fishers of men. I am honored that I do life with these people! I am inspired by their relentless faith and unashamed worship and no-holds-barred passion for advancing the kingdom of Heaven.

College is exhausting. It makes me cry and laugh and question and seek and grow and learn and wonder and ask and discover who I am in God's big plan.

I most definitely do NOT have all of the answers. I don't even pretend to have all of the "things" figured out (if you know me then you know that KILLS me). BUT I'm learning that God will use me right where He wants to...right where He sets me down.

College is exhausting, and I am remarkably undeserving of His grace and mercy.

"...that He may heal us..."

I came into college EXTREMELY skeptical. I didn't think that I was going to be happy. I didn't really think I'd last past first semester. My faith had been really shaken, and the excitement that I initially felt about the college experience had turned to fear, anxiety, and doubt. I was upset with myself because I knew that this was supposed to be a fun and joyful time and at God because I felt like He wasn't helping me the way I wanted. 

The key words there are "...the way I wanted." God doesn't do things the way that I want. That would be ridiculous because I have zero idea what I'm doing. But honestly, I'm glad that God doesn't take into account the way that I'd like things to go.

There's a passage in Hosea 6 that I read recently, and I've sort of adopted it as my "college life verse." It says this: 

"Come, let us repent to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise us up, that we may live before him. Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD; his going out is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth."

God is continually tearing me down during my time here at Westmont College, but not in the negative, condemning way! He tears down my pride, my arrogance, my fear, my anxiety, and my worry so that He can shape me into the woman that I was called to be for His kingdom. In those moments of brokenness, He is ever faithful, He is ever sovereign, and He is forever good. 

Often times, I forget that God is in control because well...I'm a control freak. BUT, I'm learning that when I give God the reins, when I totally relinquish every ounce of control that I so desperately cling to, God guides me and protects me and gives me moments to see His goodness, and all I can say is "Thank you, Jesus."

Quick thoughts: Advice

I just want to give some quick advice. This may not be worthy of an entire blog post, but I'm going to do it anyway.



Stop. Just stop. Stop, look back, and look up. Stop rushing around everyday nervous about if things will go the way you planned (because they probably won't). Stop obsessing over whether you're good enough or smart enough or athletic enough (because you are God's, you are enough). Look back and see that God moves even when everything seems a little stagnant. Look back and see all the little pieces that found their way together to form God's plan for you. Look back and be thankful for each small moment that didn't seem big then, but changed everything. Look UP and see a God who's bigger than everything. Look up and see a God who holds the entire universe in His hand, yet loves you so deeply (SO deeply). You are incredibly blessed. You really are.



// I'll be honest with y'all. This advice was as much for me as it was for you. //

On being "Mama Day"

³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”

Tonight, a friend asked me when I became so motherly, and I actually had to stop and think about my answer. I couldn't remember the moment when I became the "mom" of my friend groups or of the kids I babysat or the kids at church...I always have been. But, I knew I needed to give an answer, so I gave the longest one I could think of (and my sweet friend listened intently as I rambled on and on). 

I've always loved people. I love them with my whole heart, and I love them fiercely. Once I realize I like someone (and I feel like the feeling is mutual) I'll squeeze right into their life as another mom. I can't help it. I'll ask how their days has been and how much sleep they've had and how their classes are and how friendships are going and if they've eaten dinner! I just want to know everything there is to know about them. I want to love on them and encourage them and hear what's going on with them. 

I've told my college roommates multiple times that my first goal upon moving in to my dorm was to get them to see that I loved them like another mama (sorry guys). But they've been such champs putting up with my constant "How are you sweetie?" and "Have you eaten anything today?" and, the always annoying, "Do you have a lot of work to do?" 

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors just as much as we love ourselves! In fact, the Bible says that there is no commandment greater than loving God and loving people! God calls us to love wholeheartedly and deeply and fiercely even when it's so difficult...and sometimes it really is difficult.

But if I may offer some encouragement: there is something special that happens when a friend sees how deeply you care for them and how much you want to be there for them. Walls come down and hearts soften and God does good things. God works through those moments! He gives us the teeniest glimpses of who He is and how much he cares for us and how much He longs for our trust. When we love others the way that Christ calls us to love them radical, God-things happen. Seriously.

Quick Thoughts: Looking up

I'll be the first to admit it...there are days when I'm not sure if God is doing something in me or through me or even for me. 

There are moments when I wonder if He is listening, if He is working, or if I'm doing what I should be doing. College was one of those "moments." There would be days when I'd sit and cry and wonder is God trying to tell me something and I'm just not hearing Him? Is He even telling me anything at all? I recently told a friend that there have been a lot of times in my life when I don't feel anything between myself and God. There have been times when others have told me that they feel God telling them something about my future, and because I don't feel anything like that (and because they are people I trust) I listen to them.

My problem is that I want tangible proof in that moment (almost like a bolt of lightning) that God is working, but that's not how He works. He does what He knows is best for us in the timing that He knows is best. I see that now.

Last night I looked up at the sky and realized how small I was, but amazingly enough, God STILL loves me and cares for me! I'm a speck on a speck, but God is incredibly faithful.

I looked up, and suddenly, I saw Him. I saw His work in my life. I saw how each little event that I had deemed meaningless, He used for something so big and oh so good. He used each moment of doubt and each decision made in uncertainty and each tear and each change-up to do a great work. I felt my heart fill with the truth that is God's plan. It is so beyond our comprehension, but God, in his grace, gives us little glimpses of how wonderful and magnificent He truly is to those that He loves, and we are oh so blessed. 

My mini-meltdown

If you haven't heard...I'm in college! *cue the excitement and the fear*

Most days, and I really do mean most days, are GREAT days. I've met awesome people and I live in a super rad place (the beach is like 5 minutes away) and I'm learning to be independent; however, some days are hard days.

There are days when I want to dance and laugh and shout for joy because I live in California and I get to hang out with such cool people and I get to shop and swim and watch movies and take pictures and do fun things! But some days I just want to leave my PJ's on and stay in bed. Today is one of those days.

Last night was a BLAST. I danced on a boat dressed as, as one RA so aptly put it, "a rad librarian." And I went to bed content and exhausted. And then it was Sunday morning.

I woke up planning on watching a service from my church at home. I was super excited because I've been missing my church like WOAH, but wouldn't you know it, as soon as I opened my computer I saw that the internet was shot. Goody. I tried to tinker with the network (like I know what I'm doing...), send in a help request, I even tried watching it through my phone, but to no avail. So, I texted my mom about my frustration and anger and disappointment because, even though I knew there was nothing she could do, I needed to tell SOMEONE.

And then I cried. I cried because I miss home. I cried because I miss my people. I cried because man oh man do I miss my church. But being the way that I am, I refused to let anyone see tears fall down my face, so I sucked the puppies back into my head, and I sat down to write.

It's been two weeks. I'm not expecting to be "super chill all the time" (-Leslie Knope), and in those moments when the tiniest thing creates the biggest emotions, I'm remembering to lean on the one who is stronger and bigger and better. He gives me Santa Barbara days to be thankful for, and he comforts me when there are days I'm not so thankful for. He is all-knowing and all-powerful and present at every moment in my college career, so when there are moments (or days or weeks) when I just want to lose my mind, He's there. So for today, I'll continue to scroll through pictures that were taken on good days, and be oh so grateful for them.

To the planners

Let's start this out by setting one thing straight: our timelines and God's timelines don't match up. Our plans for our lives and God's plans for our lives don't always line up.

There, now that we have that out of the way, let me chat for a sec. I am a planner. If you know me, you know that I plan for every situation, worst case scenario, or plan B that could possibly arise. I have an idea of how I'd like things to go: my college experience, my career, my friendships, (even my arguments are carefully constructed should the moment arise.)

My "planner mentality" is one that God is continually working to crumble right before my very eyes. As wonderful and loving as He is, He could care less how I've planned my life right down to the very last minute detail. He has bigger and better things for me, so He's not afraid to completely shut me down--which I'm learning is FAR better than anything I could plan for myself.

Our God is not moved by the ways of this world. He is not swayed by the current trends of today or the political climate or worldly desires. He is bigger and stronger and wiser and COOLER. When he sees us, He sees how His calling on our lives plays out. He sees His masterpiece--a work of art that is far more beautiful than the one we may try to create on our own.

Our God sees our dreams, our aspirations, our hopes, and our goals; He's the one who put those callings on our hearts! When He changes our plans, He's not changing/disregarding/ignoring our dreams; He just knows that our way was never going to get us to where He called us to be, so He has to tweak a few things. In the moment--when those plans suddenly fall to pieces--it doesn't feel like He's there. You feel crushed and defeated; shocked and scared; confused and lost; I know because I've been there. Our God loves us, but He doesn't like a planner. He sees us and says, "It's a nice try, but I got this one." He crushed our teeny, human plans because his big, glorious plans are far more exciting.

So my advice to you? Just sit. Sit in the uncomfortable tension that is broken plans. Sit in the quiet, sit in the fear, sit in the anger. Just sit and trust and know that the hurt will pass, the fear will pass, the "unknowing" will pass; and God--who is perfect and just and holy--will make something extraordinary out of your broken plans. Doesn't He promise us that He will never leave us nor forsake us? Hasn't He made a way for us in the wilderness, and streams of hope in our wasteland? He takes care of us, He is big and bold, and He loves us fiercely.

I went to Africa

Hello friends!

I was going to sit here and give you a play-by-play about how I spent my week, but I won't do it justice. There's no way that I can properly explain how amazing and eye-opening each day was to me. So, I'll give you my brief thoughts (because my brain is shot.)

I left for Rwanda a week from yesterday, and in all honesty, one week is not enough to experience the beauty of that country! We drove, we worked, we played, we laughed, we hugged, we cried, we safari-ed (?)! I wish I could have spent months and months, but I'll just be grateful for the 5 days I DID have!

If you ever want to see God's redemptive power in action--go to Rwanda. That country has seen some really terrible things, but God has worked in the hearts of those people and has brought healing and hope to a broken place. They have the innocent faith that Christ calls for us to have, and I loved seeing them love without boundaries, and put ALL of their trust and hope in the Lord, I felt convicted and excited and my heart nearly exploded!

In conclusion, I love Rwanda--I'd put up with the 24 hours of flying all over again to be back there. I want to live like them, love like them, trust like them. Plus, I spent the week with 11 of the coolest, greatest, most hilarious youth students I've had the pleasure of spending time with, and even though they are just a year younger than me, I loved them like they were my little ducklings <3 God is so cool. So stinkin' cool. And I'm so so so blessed.

The Book

Well hello there, friends. It's been quite a while since I've sat in front of my computer and shared my thoughts with you all, so I figured that there was no better time than the present.

I took a sabbatical from blogging for a while; partly due to the fact that life got super busy, partly due to the fact that I felt like I had run out of things to say, but mostly because I didn't believe that I was in the right head space to sit and tell you all about God's goodness in my life because--honestly--I wasn't feeling it...

But isn't this why I write? To be honest and open and share my whole heart with you even though I may not feel worthy enough? I don't write to shout out my perfection (because I am FAR from perfect), I write to share my humanity, my struggles, my frustrations, and my hope. My God is a one of redemption and hope; renewal and revival; truth and grace. That is why I sit here and type in the middle of the night.

I've spent my life as the pastor's kid. The helpful, kind, silly, albeit feisty, oldest child of two super rad parents. I've grown up as "mommy's little helper" and "daddy's little princess." I've never had a problem with being seen as mature or nurturing or responsible or etc. I only take issue with those labels when I feel like I'm not living up to them. I've come to expect perfection from myself, and along the way I've gotten it into my head that that is what everyone else expects from me as well.

I've made myself into the strong, steady, stable "mother" of my friend group--a role that I love and wear proudly, but somehow I've come to associate stable with perfect, and steady with stoic, and strong with...well unshakable. I have put it upon myself to slap weakness in the face and push it to the ground and stomp on it (just for good measure). I've told myself that my struggle, my insecurities, my issues should be pushed aside because there are others who NEED me to be strong.

This past year, the plans that I have so thoughtfully made and the emotions I have so strongly felt vanished in an instant--granted, God has been good and made a way for those plans to work themselves out, but through it all, I've struggled with waves of melancholy so strong that there have been days when my entire body feels like cement. I feel tired, emotional, and alone. I sit and pray, "Please Lord heal me. Make me joyful, give me peace, heal my heart." I cry because I am too afraid to tell anyone how I feel because I worry it will ruin the facade I've so cleverly and expertly created for myself. I get angry because my inner control freak and perfectionist has ZERO control over these thoughts and emotions.

If you know me you may understand that I am a planner. I am a perfectionist. When things go a way that is not how I planned, I freak. I require total and utter control over every situation and emotion I face. But, the other day I heard a voice. It couldn't have been mine because it said something I would never say in a million years: "your life isn't yours."

And suddenly I felt such a calm and such a lightness to my body. It was as if someone had lifted 100 pounds off of my shoulders. It was freeing and a bit overwhelming. In a moment I was struck by the goodness and redemption and sovereignty of the Creator. A while back, I had decided that He wasn't listening to me; that He didn't have a plan for me; that He might not even hear me, but I think He was just waiting for me. Waiting for me to give it up and COMPLETELY and TOTALLY give all my fears, insecurities, imperfections to Him. For me to say "you're right. It's not my life. It's yours, so I should stop trying to control it."

I've learned that God doesn't snap His fingers and make us joyful--He asks us to look to Him for our joy. He doesn't cure us of our imperfections just like that--he asks us to give them up to him so that He may renew and reshape our hearts. He never once has asked us to be perfect pillars of strength--He asks us to let Him be our pillar of strength.

If there's one thing I hope that you can glean from this "book" I hope it's this: we can kick and scream and fight for control, but we'll never have it. I'm still learning that it's ok to let hurt and pain and weakness show--it's what makes us humans and not robots. It's great to be stable and steady, but don't let those qualities turn into your identity. Being a perfectionist isn't bad, but letting it stop you from receiving the full grace and goodness of Christ isn't doing you any favors.

Community

This evening my church youth group was canceled. Now, it was for safety reasons (and I'm all for safety), but selfishly I was pretty bummed. I love church. And it's not always for the message (is that bad to say? I'm gonna say "no.") More often than not, I look forward church because of the people.

I have met some of the most amazing people I know through my church. They encourage me, support me, and make me laugh--which in my book is pretty darn important. They are my people. They are the people that I connect with on a deeper level that most ordinary friendships, and they bless me everyday with the way they put up with me!

I thrive off of community. I live for the days where I get to be around people that I love. I enjoy meeting new people, and even though I sometimes get really intimidated by the idea of meeting new friends, when I really push myself--when I dive in--I've met some crazy amazing people! I'm in my element when I'm around people, my joy increases when I get in a room buzzing with conversation and activity, and in some amazing, crazy awesome way I can feel the Holy Spirit when I'm surrounded by people and activity.

I think that friendships (and relationships, in general) are some of the most important relationships that a person can have! Even God thinks so...he says "It is not good for man to be alone..." God created us to engage in community, in fellowship through Him! He didn't create us to alienate ourselves from the world; he created us to make the most of the life He's given us, and I think that includes living a life full of joy through relationships.

Before I publish this post let me just say a big thank you to everyone who clicks on my link each time I post and reads what I write. I feel so blessed to have people who have messaged and commented to tell me that my words have touched their heart! I blog because I love to write...my passion is to talk and teach and learn more about God and myself (even though I'm not the expert when it comes to scripture.) So, THANK YOU--from the bottom of my heart.

Truths

I have a tendency to be forgetful! Who doesn't? It seems like it's hard-wired in us to misplace our keys or our remotes, but the forgetfulness that I felt compelled to write about today isn't our tendency to forget our earthly possessions, but our tendency to forget the truths about who we are as God's creation.

I often find myself stuck in a rut; I get trapped in a cloud of anxiety and sadness because I suddenly find myself wondering what my purpose is on this earth, what God's plan is for my life, and why can't I figure out what it is.

But God's word has a lot to say about who he created us to be--we were created in his image! We are fearfully and wonderfully made by the same God who created the heavens and the earth, and holds our entire galaxy in the palm of his hand!

We can get caught up in the lie that we are small, insignificant beings that are just waiting around until we can figure out how to spend our time on Earth, but that is so untrue! Psalm 139 says, "...in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..." God knew us before we even existed! He had our lives mapped out before--as my mom says--we were specks in our parents' minds! If we give in to the lie that we are nothing special, we are giving in to the lies that Satan whispers in our ear. The lies that tell us that God doesn't have a plan for us, that He's left us here to figure things out on our own.

It's inevitable. There will be times when we forget the truths about us, when we don't know where we are supposed to go or what we are supposed to do. But, let me give you some advice: when the truths seems so far off, remember what the Bible has to say about you. You were created in God's image, you were fearfully and wonderfully made, and your days are mapped according to God's will.

God's word doesn't lie about why you were created. It speaks nothing but the truth, and these truths are the things that make up who you are! Don't forget who you were made to be, don't forget who you were made by, and most importantly don't give in to lies whispered in your ear by a powerless enemy--listen to the truths that are yelled, loud and clear, by the God who tells the sun and moon to rise and set.