Hello Friends! It is somewhat late at night (late for me anyways), and what usually happens when I'm up late and my mind is swirling with seven billion thoughts? I blog. What I will blog about is a mystery...but as I said-I have tons of thoughts and nowhere to put them but here.
As I look back at some of my previous blog posts I feel as if I sound super chipper all the time. And while I DO try and be chipper, what I end up acting like is often the complete opposite. Have I really ever just poured out my soul to you? I have I told you my hardships without an "it's all cool, I'm all cool" shpeel afterwards? Sometimes I feel like I'm just sending out a small piece of myself-not my whole self, and if this is going to be a helpful and real blog, shouldn't I pour out my heart at some point?
That point may just be today.
The other night was Wednesday, and Wednesday means youth group. I love my youth group! My youth pastor is awesome, and the people are equally as awesome! (P.S. if you like parties you should put Wednesday, September 3rd on your calendar...my youth group is having a party.) Anyway...Wednesday was youth, and I asked my youth pastor if I could share a little bit about my experience in Haiti, and challenge the youths a bit!
I shared about JOY! Those kids in Haiti are so full of life, joy, and love, and I felt like that had to be shared. I challenged the students to be joyful even when the going gets tough! But as soon as I stepped off the stage I felt like a hypocrite. I sat down at my seat and was immediately filled with the complete opposite of joy! I was filled with sadness and anger and guilt because I had gone up there, put on a happy face, shared about joy, and then left feeling little joy.
I don't pretend to be a perfect person.I know that it isn't easy to be happy and joyful and chipper all of the time. I know that the enemy attacks and he seeks to kill and destroy. I know that 100% of the time, he's the one who puts those nasty feelings in my heart and in my head. But I still couldn't shake them. I felt like a bad sister because I had yelled at my brother about quitting football when I didn't know the whole story, I felt lonely because I'm still having a hard time getting over some emotional wounds I sustained last year, and I felt guilty because I had told everyone to be joyful when I wasn't.
My problem is that I expect so much out of myself. I guess I expect myself to be THE pillar of strength. But you know what? No one expects that from me. I'm an emotional teenage girl, and even though I sometimes feel out of place among teens, let's face it, I am one (tonight I watched a movie and so many emotions came out of me that I started sobbing. It was cathartic.)
As much as I would like to, I cannot be the strong one all of the time. I have perfected my role in my friend groups as the "mom." The strong, honest woman who would attack, with bear like strength, anyone who tried to hurt those I loved. I love that role. I love being the one my friends turn to when they're upset because on the inside I'm secretly a mom who wants to wipe their tears, tell them everything will be all right, give them a hug and a squeeze, and send them on their way.
I think I take that role too seriously. I've forgotten that sometimes I need to be held and hugged and be told everything is going to be okay.
The moral of this blog post is: sometimes I confuse pain and hurt with weakness. Strong women (and men) can hurt. God created us to be LIKE Him, not BE him! So maybe I should let God be the strong one sometimes. Hopefully I can get over myself long enough to let Him.
