To the planners

Let's start this out by setting one thing straight: our timelines and God's timelines don't match up. Our plans for our lives and God's plans for our lives don't always line up.

There, now that we have that out of the way, let me chat for a sec. I am a planner. If you know me, you know that I plan for every situation, worst case scenario, or plan B that could possibly arise. I have an idea of how I'd like things to go: my college experience, my career, my friendships, (even my arguments are carefully constructed should the moment arise.)

My "planner mentality" is one that God is continually working to crumble right before my very eyes. As wonderful and loving as He is, He could care less how I've planned my life right down to the very last minute detail. He has bigger and better things for me, so He's not afraid to completely shut me down--which I'm learning is FAR better than anything I could plan for myself.

Our God is not moved by the ways of this world. He is not swayed by the current trends of today or the political climate or worldly desires. He is bigger and stronger and wiser and COOLER. When he sees us, He sees how His calling on our lives plays out. He sees His masterpiece--a work of art that is far more beautiful than the one we may try to create on our own.

Our God sees our dreams, our aspirations, our hopes, and our goals; He's the one who put those callings on our hearts! When He changes our plans, He's not changing/disregarding/ignoring our dreams; He just knows that our way was never going to get us to where He called us to be, so He has to tweak a few things. In the moment--when those plans suddenly fall to pieces--it doesn't feel like He's there. You feel crushed and defeated; shocked and scared; confused and lost; I know because I've been there. Our God loves us, but He doesn't like a planner. He sees us and says, "It's a nice try, but I got this one." He crushed our teeny, human plans because his big, glorious plans are far more exciting.

So my advice to you? Just sit. Sit in the uncomfortable tension that is broken plans. Sit in the quiet, sit in the fear, sit in the anger. Just sit and trust and know that the hurt will pass, the fear will pass, the "unknowing" will pass; and God--who is perfect and just and holy--will make something extraordinary out of your broken plans. Doesn't He promise us that He will never leave us nor forsake us? Hasn't He made a way for us in the wilderness, and streams of hope in our wasteland? He takes care of us, He is big and bold, and He loves us fiercely.

I went to Africa

Hello friends!

I was going to sit here and give you a play-by-play about how I spent my week, but I won't do it justice. There's no way that I can properly explain how amazing and eye-opening each day was to me. So, I'll give you my brief thoughts (because my brain is shot.)

I left for Rwanda a week from yesterday, and in all honesty, one week is not enough to experience the beauty of that country! We drove, we worked, we played, we laughed, we hugged, we cried, we safari-ed (?)! I wish I could have spent months and months, but I'll just be grateful for the 5 days I DID have!

If you ever want to see God's redemptive power in action--go to Rwanda. That country has seen some really terrible things, but God has worked in the hearts of those people and has brought healing and hope to a broken place. They have the innocent faith that Christ calls for us to have, and I loved seeing them love without boundaries, and put ALL of their trust and hope in the Lord, I felt convicted and excited and my heart nearly exploded!

In conclusion, I love Rwanda--I'd put up with the 24 hours of flying all over again to be back there. I want to live like them, love like them, trust like them. Plus, I spent the week with 11 of the coolest, greatest, most hilarious youth students I've had the pleasure of spending time with, and even though they are just a year younger than me, I loved them like they were my little ducklings <3 God is so cool. So stinkin' cool. And I'm so so so blessed.

The Book

Well hello there, friends. It's been quite a while since I've sat in front of my computer and shared my thoughts with you all, so I figured that there was no better time than the present.

I took a sabbatical from blogging for a while; partly due to the fact that life got super busy, partly due to the fact that I felt like I had run out of things to say, but mostly because I didn't believe that I was in the right head space to sit and tell you all about God's goodness in my life because--honestly--I wasn't feeling it...

But isn't this why I write? To be honest and open and share my whole heart with you even though I may not feel worthy enough? I don't write to shout out my perfection (because I am FAR from perfect), I write to share my humanity, my struggles, my frustrations, and my hope. My God is a one of redemption and hope; renewal and revival; truth and grace. That is why I sit here and type in the middle of the night.

I've spent my life as the pastor's kid. The helpful, kind, silly, albeit feisty, oldest child of two super rad parents. I've grown up as "mommy's little helper" and "daddy's little princess." I've never had a problem with being seen as mature or nurturing or responsible or etc. I only take issue with those labels when I feel like I'm not living up to them. I've come to expect perfection from myself, and along the way I've gotten it into my head that that is what everyone else expects from me as well.

I've made myself into the strong, steady, stable "mother" of my friend group--a role that I love and wear proudly, but somehow I've come to associate stable with perfect, and steady with stoic, and strong with...well unshakable. I have put it upon myself to slap weakness in the face and push it to the ground and stomp on it (just for good measure). I've told myself that my struggle, my insecurities, my issues should be pushed aside because there are others who NEED me to be strong.

This past year, the plans that I have so thoughtfully made and the emotions I have so strongly felt vanished in an instant--granted, God has been good and made a way for those plans to work themselves out, but through it all, I've struggled with waves of melancholy so strong that there have been days when my entire body feels like cement. I feel tired, emotional, and alone. I sit and pray, "Please Lord heal me. Make me joyful, give me peace, heal my heart." I cry because I am too afraid to tell anyone how I feel because I worry it will ruin the facade I've so cleverly and expertly created for myself. I get angry because my inner control freak and perfectionist has ZERO control over these thoughts and emotions.

If you know me you may understand that I am a planner. I am a perfectionist. When things go a way that is not how I planned, I freak. I require total and utter control over every situation and emotion I face. But, the other day I heard a voice. It couldn't have been mine because it said something I would never say in a million years: "your life isn't yours."

And suddenly I felt such a calm and such a lightness to my body. It was as if someone had lifted 100 pounds off of my shoulders. It was freeing and a bit overwhelming. In a moment I was struck by the goodness and redemption and sovereignty of the Creator. A while back, I had decided that He wasn't listening to me; that He didn't have a plan for me; that He might not even hear me, but I think He was just waiting for me. Waiting for me to give it up and COMPLETELY and TOTALLY give all my fears, insecurities, imperfections to Him. For me to say "you're right. It's not my life. It's yours, so I should stop trying to control it."

I've learned that God doesn't snap His fingers and make us joyful--He asks us to look to Him for our joy. He doesn't cure us of our imperfections just like that--he asks us to give them up to him so that He may renew and reshape our hearts. He never once has asked us to be perfect pillars of strength--He asks us to let Him be our pillar of strength.

If there's one thing I hope that you can glean from this "book" I hope it's this: we can kick and scream and fight for control, but we'll never have it. I'm still learning that it's ok to let hurt and pain and weakness show--it's what makes us humans and not robots. It's great to be stable and steady, but don't let those qualities turn into your identity. Being a perfectionist isn't bad, but letting it stop you from receiving the full grace and goodness of Christ isn't doing you any favors.

Community

This evening my church youth group was canceled. Now, it was for safety reasons (and I'm all for safety), but selfishly I was pretty bummed. I love church. And it's not always for the message (is that bad to say? I'm gonna say "no.") More often than not, I look forward church because of the people.

I have met some of the most amazing people I know through my church. They encourage me, support me, and make me laugh--which in my book is pretty darn important. They are my people. They are the people that I connect with on a deeper level that most ordinary friendships, and they bless me everyday with the way they put up with me!

I thrive off of community. I live for the days where I get to be around people that I love. I enjoy meeting new people, and even though I sometimes get really intimidated by the idea of meeting new friends, when I really push myself--when I dive in--I've met some crazy amazing people! I'm in my element when I'm around people, my joy increases when I get in a room buzzing with conversation and activity, and in some amazing, crazy awesome way I can feel the Holy Spirit when I'm surrounded by people and activity.

I think that friendships (and relationships, in general) are some of the most important relationships that a person can have! Even God thinks so...he says "It is not good for man to be alone..." God created us to engage in community, in fellowship through Him! He didn't create us to alienate ourselves from the world; he created us to make the most of the life He's given us, and I think that includes living a life full of joy through relationships.

Before I publish this post let me just say a big thank you to everyone who clicks on my link each time I post and reads what I write. I feel so blessed to have people who have messaged and commented to tell me that my words have touched their heart! I blog because I love to write...my passion is to talk and teach and learn more about God and myself (even though I'm not the expert when it comes to scripture.) So, THANK YOU--from the bottom of my heart.

Truths

I have a tendency to be forgetful! Who doesn't? It seems like it's hard-wired in us to misplace our keys or our remotes, but the forgetfulness that I felt compelled to write about today isn't our tendency to forget our earthly possessions, but our tendency to forget the truths about who we are as God's creation.

I often find myself stuck in a rut; I get trapped in a cloud of anxiety and sadness because I suddenly find myself wondering what my purpose is on this earth, what God's plan is for my life, and why can't I figure out what it is.

But God's word has a lot to say about who he created us to be--we were created in his image! We are fearfully and wonderfully made by the same God who created the heavens and the earth, and holds our entire galaxy in the palm of his hand!

We can get caught up in the lie that we are small, insignificant beings that are just waiting around until we can figure out how to spend our time on Earth, but that is so untrue! Psalm 139 says, "...in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me..." God knew us before we even existed! He had our lives mapped out before--as my mom says--we were specks in our parents' minds! If we give in to the lie that we are nothing special, we are giving in to the lies that Satan whispers in our ear. The lies that tell us that God doesn't have a plan for us, that He's left us here to figure things out on our own.

It's inevitable. There will be times when we forget the truths about us, when we don't know where we are supposed to go or what we are supposed to do. But, let me give you some advice: when the truths seems so far off, remember what the Bible has to say about you. You were created in God's image, you were fearfully and wonderfully made, and your days are mapped according to God's will.

God's word doesn't lie about why you were created. It speaks nothing but the truth, and these truths are the things that make up who you are! Don't forget who you were made to be, don't forget who you were made by, and most importantly don't give in to lies whispered in your ear by a powerless enemy--listen to the truths that are yelled, loud and clear, by the God who tells the sun and moon to rise and set.

Arise, Shine!

I was driving through my neighborhood this evening, and my headlights were hitting the 

inch-or-so of snow on the ground; everything was quiet and peaceful and dark. In that moment the darkness was comforting. It was spectacular. The peace of the snow with the black of the sky sort of took my breath away.

I know that, more times than not, the darkness is not "comforting" or "peaceful" or any of the above adjectives; however, it's in the darkness that Christ's light often shines the brightest. 

2 The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; 
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness on them light has shone. 
3 You have multiplied the nation; you have increased its joy...
(Isaiah 9:2-3)

I've been starting each day with a short Advent devotion from the "She Reads Truth." I've always had a difficult time being excited about devotion only because I didn't know how to spend time in one. But, for the month of December I've made it my goal to dig deep and spend quality time in the Lord's presence.

Day 13 of this Advent devotion talked about how Christ is our light. He came through the thickest darkness and set us free, and I felt such a tug on my heart to sit here and write. I know that everyone's darkness is immensely different--some us may have been in our darkness for as long as we can remember, for some of us our darkness is a person or an addiction or you name it! We all have some form of darkness in our lives and in our hearts, and it seems impossible that we could ever be pulled from that scary place and into a place of light and joy.

The amazing thing about Christ is that he came as light in human form. He came to reach down into the deepest, darkest place in our lives and in our hearts and renew and reshape. He grabs us by the hand and breathes life and light! In fact John 8:12 tells us that:

12 Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, 
"I am the light of the world. 
Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, 
but will have the light of life."

Jesus tells us that whoever follows him will NOT WALK IN DARKNESS. Now you might be saying..."yeah right, I've followed God my entire life and I'm still stuck. Stuck in this hole, and I feel like no one can pull me out." And to you who doubt I say (well I don't say Jesus says):

 33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. 

In the world you may have tribulation. 

But take heart; I have overcome the world.

(John 16:33) 

Following Christ does not mean that you will be happy every single day of your life. It definitely doesn't mean that everything you face will run a smooth course; however, it DOES mean that you are blessed. You walk in the light of Jesus. His glory shines down on you and covers you with grace and love. You may find yourself in a dark situation, but Christ's glory still brings good things toward you. 

Jesus' light is one that is not hindered by Earthly problems. His light is one that is unending. To you who struggle in the dark: Arise! this darkness that envelopes and overwhelms seems like a curse, but think of it this way--this darkness only makes Christ's light brighter. This darkness only magnifies His glory. 

Choosing Joy

Well hi there! It's been a while, and I'm excited to share a little bit of what has been going on the past few weeks (and maybe share a few things I've picked up along the way).Since my last blog post...a ton has happened! I think the biggest thing is that I'm actually going to COLLEGE! 

I've accepted an offer from Westmont College and I'm beyond thrilled! For those of you who know me (or if you've been reading this blog for a while), you know that I haven't always been excited about heading off to college. At one point I was 100% against it! I didn't want to move away from my family, my church, my comfort zone; however, over the summer I went to California to visit Westmont and Azusa Pacific University.

To say that I had a change of heart after that trip is an understatement...I can say with total certainty that I felt God show up. I've been a Christian for a long time, and I've felt God do amazing things in my life, but I have never felt the immediate sense of peace that I felt while walking the campus of Westmont College. 

And while I am ecstatic about my future in beautiful Santa Barbara, California, I'm scared too. It is finally dawning on me that I am becoming an adult, and I'm going off on my own! Sometimes it is a little bit hard to feel excited about being pushed so far outside of my comfort zone, and I find myself sinking deep into sadness and pity...basically I wallow. It's kind of hard to admit, but there are times when I find myself wallowing in my own mess, and I forget to give it to God.

But isn't that what God tells us to do? Psalm 55:22 tells us to: 

"Pile your troubles on God’s shoulders—
    he’ll carry your load, he’ll help you out."

God is so ready and so willing to take our sorrow and our pain and our fear and what ever else we may be feeling. John tells us this, 

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."

God didn't send His one and only son to earth so that I could stew in my own self-pity! He 
came so that I could have so much stinkin' joy! I'm not saying it's always easy to be joyful! Stuff happens...really gross, awful stuff, but God is always there. He's like our coach; we may make a bad play, or we may get hurt during a game and feel like life is just coming to a complete and utter stop, but he's there on the sidelines cheering us on! He's saying, "NO! I'm not letting you give up. I'm here. I'm your God. I'm your father. I'm your #1 fan."


As hard as it is to think of leaving my amazing family and equally amazing friends and my absolutely fabulous church, I've decided to choose joy. As much as I'll probably cry when the time comes for me to pack up and leave, I've decided to be joyful in the months that I'm HERE. As hard as it'll be making new friends in a new place, I've decided to be so content and so blessed for the time that I have NOW with my wonderful peeps. As much as I'll miss my church family, I'm so stoked to find a new church with a new "family."

My hope for YOU--today--is that you'll find your joy. The joy that God so deeply wants you to feel and cherish! I know that finding that happiness and joy may not be easy, but it is not just something that is going to suddenly pop up in your heart one day. You just have to choose it. Everyday you have to wake up and say, "gosh, today seems like the perfect day to be nothing but 100% joyful." Choose joy. Choose life. Don't wallow. Smile! It looks good on you!

If this doesn't look like pure joy then
I don't know what to tell you!